Having a home doesn’t make you human!

We are all human. We all make mistakes that can either make or break us. If you are lucky health, sanity and security will give the full strength you need to navigate those waters. You will learn the lesson and move forward to the next test. But if ONE of those building blocks is missing……. those waters can get rough. They can threaten to sink your ship. 
I would ask you to imagine you were homeless, but you can’t. Nobody can even begin to comprehend that unless they have experienced it. It is a world of all your worst fears coming to life. A life of all the ugly nasty truths of how primal humans can actually be, being experienced all day and all night. Life is lived by each hour…..by each minute and surviving 24 hours is a blessing…..or a curse. This is All well health and sanity are fleeting. Security is non-existent and luck is just being able to waking up.
We have all avoided eye contact. Avoided and looked away. It is easy to Blame or shame them for their mistake, not once thinking that maybe it wasn’t THEIR mistake that created the damage. What damage was done to disable this human from being able to balance themselves. Why were they never taught proper ways to navigate the waters or sail their boat? If they had these skills, what happen to cripple them being able to use them?

Where do we get off believing we are so evolved that making eye contact and smiling is more then they deserve? Or is the real truth that we are just so scared to see where we ALL can easily end up? Health, sanity and security…….just one of those things leaving us is all that separates us. Other then that we are the same. We are all human.
I’m not asking anyone to be a hero. I’m just asking you to be what you are, a human being who has been blessed with balance. Make eye contact. Smile. If it’s received well, be kind. If it’s not, wish well and walk away. Most of all, value humanity enough to understand that wellness has not been blessed on them and that a wonderful human is lost inside the turmoiled one before you……….appreciate and use you balance because it can just as easily be your ship in those stormy waters ❣

Seeing clearer and clearer!

  
 So I’m listening to my life coaches latest blog feeling a little spun with all the silly thoughts that had been going through my head. Coping with CPTSD is a never ending task and like a junkie to a new addiction these blogs seem to settle me. Calm my inner dialogue by temporarily replacing it with his for a bit.
I was excited! The blog seemed to fit right into my mood. “How does an empathetic person deal with the “triggers” from narcissistic abuse?” …………YAY!! 40 minutes to a cure!! Right?! ……… Well people the answer to that is yes and no.
Those of you out there that are dealing CPTSD yourselves are more then aware of how sneaky that imprint of “You are not worthy” can rear its ugly head. Your guilt can go through the roof just buying new shoes! You need them! You can’t afford to not get them! ……..YET…….the old programming of “You MUST explain yourself” is still lurking in the back ground. 
Or my personal “trigger” ……. What’s “their” dialogue?! That forever nagging tug of being all too aware of how your image has been twisted and manipulated to suit another’s needs ( scapegoated ). This one is hard!……you see when your life has been spent being subjected to this kind of abuse it’s pretty shocking when you finally realize this IS an abuse! Your programming is altered now to know others will NOT be happy for you. They will say they are, but then twist it when you are not around. 
So that was one of first things the blog stated. You HAVE to recognize and accept it for what it is. It is mental abuse. It is the manipulators way keeping you under their control and seeking their approval. You can’t fix them…..but you CAN see it for what it is. Make a stand, and not accept it anymore……….

This was my thoughts on it:

Great advice DR. But I’m still tortured! And shut out AND still made out to be something I’m not to anyone who comes in contact with the abuser…..AND….the abuser is looking like THEY are the one being wronged!!! WTH?! ……. 

BUT then the reality set in!!

Guess what? I’m not stuck in the game. I’m free……. I’M FREE!! I might of had to cut off my leg to get out of the trap, but holy crap! I don’t care! I can work around that. I am at least free of the lies, manipulation, torture and abuse! I don’t have to walk on egg-shells or second guess every word said! No more lamp lighting or double-binds! No more seeking approval! Free to be me! You know the REAL me! Not the falsified bullshit of what they keep telling others I am!
So that was the next lesson in the blog. LOVE YOURSELF! You ARE worthy and nobodies dialogue counts except your own! So change it! It IS as easy as waking up every morning and promising yourself you will be positive. You are worthy! And you are loved! I have actually been doing it for long enough that I have seen MASS improvements! Enough for me to finally have the strength to put a stop to it. I remember a conversation with my abuser explaining how “someone” else would behave like a three year old if they didn’t get their own way…..I was completely aware of how THEY behaved the same way, but were much more calculated and covert about their “tantrums” …….my bad on the transference. 
Is it the quick fix I was looking for? No. There is no quick fix. It took a lot of programming to create my CPTSD! It will take just as much to fix it. Will it stop my “triggers” from happening? No, but I will be able to see them for what they are and dismiss them as just! If I want to be free of the abuse I have to accept that it happened, and it wasn’t my fault. I am worthy of acceptance and love! Will I forever have hope for change? OF COURSE!! But I am realistic enough to see that just like I had to admit i was being abused…..they have to admit they abused. Therefor the likeliness of it ever changing is slim…..so I will continue to fix me and know that I can’t fix them ❣