Seeing clearer and clearer!

  
 So I’m listening to my life coaches latest blog feeling a little spun with all the silly thoughts that had been going through my head. Coping with CPTSD is a never ending task and like a junkie to a new addiction these blogs seem to settle me. Calm my inner dialogue by temporarily replacing it with his for a bit.
I was excited! The blog seemed to fit right into my mood. “How does an empathetic person deal with the “triggers” from narcissistic abuse?” …………YAY!! 40 minutes to a cure!! Right?! ……… Well people the answer to that is yes and no.
Those of you out there that are dealing CPTSD yourselves are more then aware of how sneaky that imprint of “You are not worthy” can rear its ugly head. Your guilt can go through the roof just buying new shoes! You need them! You can’t afford to not get them! ……..YET…….the old programming of “You MUST explain yourself” is still lurking in the back ground. 
Or my personal “trigger” ……. What’s “their” dialogue?! That forever nagging tug of being all too aware of how your image has been twisted and manipulated to suit another’s needs ( scapegoated ). This one is hard!……you see when your life has been spent being subjected to this kind of abuse it’s pretty shocking when you finally realize this IS an abuse! Your programming is altered now to know others will NOT be happy for you. They will say they are, but then twist it when you are not around. 
So that was one of first things the blog stated. You HAVE to recognize and accept it for what it is. It is mental abuse. It is the manipulators way keeping you under their control and seeking their approval. You can’t fix them…..but you CAN see it for what it is. Make a stand, and not accept it anymore……….

This was my thoughts on it:

Great advice DR. But I’m still tortured! And shut out AND still made out to be something I’m not to anyone who comes in contact with the abuser…..AND….the abuser is looking like THEY are the one being wronged!!! WTH?! ……. 

BUT then the reality set in!!

Guess what? I’m not stuck in the game. I’m free……. I’M FREE!! I might of had to cut off my leg to get out of the trap, but holy crap! I don’t care! I can work around that. I am at least free of the lies, manipulation, torture and abuse! I don’t have to walk on egg-shells or second guess every word said! No more lamp lighting or double-binds! No more seeking approval! Free to be me! You know the REAL me! Not the falsified bullshit of what they keep telling others I am!
So that was the next lesson in the blog. LOVE YOURSELF! You ARE worthy and nobodies dialogue counts except your own! So change it! It IS as easy as waking up every morning and promising yourself you will be positive. You are worthy! And you are loved! I have actually been doing it for long enough that I have seen MASS improvements! Enough for me to finally have the strength to put a stop to it. I remember a conversation with my abuser explaining how “someone” else would behave like a three year old if they didn’t get their own way…..I was completely aware of how THEY behaved the same way, but were much more calculated and covert about their “tantrums” …….my bad on the transference. 
Is it the quick fix I was looking for? No. There is no quick fix. It took a lot of programming to create my CPTSD! It will take just as much to fix it. Will it stop my “triggers” from happening? No, but I will be able to see them for what they are and dismiss them as just! If I want to be free of the abuse I have to accept that it happened, and it wasn’t my fault. I am worthy of acceptance and love! Will I forever have hope for change? OF COURSE!! But I am realistic enough to see that just like I had to admit i was being abused…..they have to admit they abused. Therefor the likeliness of it ever changing is slim…..so I will continue to fix me and know that I can’t fix them ❣